When someone we love dies, the impact can be life-changing. But sometimes, certain types of grief are misunderstood or minimised. One of these is the death of a grandparent. 

Jess Richardson, 21, from Chesterfield, whose grandmother Iris was cared for by Ashgate Hospice, knows this all too well. She talks openly about grief on Instagram and has found her grandmother’s death incredibly difficult. But one thing she’s struggled with most is the assumption that the death of a grandparent is somehow ‘easier’ because it follows the natural order of things. 

“I think often people assume that because they ‘had their life’ the pain isn’t as bad,” Jess says. “That may be true for some, but certainly not for everybody. While it can be a comfort to know that they lived a long life, losing one of the most important people to you doesn’t become easier just because of their age. Statements like this feel invalidating and dismissive.” 

Why is this assumption so common?

Clair Russell, Ashgate’s Children and Young People’s Service Manager, says this is something her team sees a lot.

“I think adults expect grandparents to die first and assume that means their death is less of a shock. Because of this, children’s grief for a grandparent can be overlooked,” Clair explains. 

“But the reality is, for many children and young people, a grandparent is a constant source of love, stability, and comfort. They may have played a big role in their daily life, provided childcare, or shared traditions that made special occasions what they were. When that person dies, the impact can be huge.”

The first experience of grief 

A grandparent’s death is often a child’s first encounter with death, and that can be confusing.

“Children under six may not fully understand what has happened, but they’ll notice their grandparent isn’t there anymore and will pick up on the emotions of people around them,” says Clair. 

“Older children might understand death but still struggle to process why it has happened to someone close to them. Teenagers, meanwhile, often experience a mix of emotions – not just sadness, but sometimes guilt, anger, or even relief if their grandparent was ill for a long time. All of these emotions are completely valid.” 

Jess describes how her grandmother’s death shook her world: 

“I never knew life without her, and I could not comprehend what that would look or feel like. She was my go-to person and my best friend. I had never had a birthday without her, a Christmas without her. Those times of year now feel deafeningly silent.”

Supporting children and young people through grief 

One of the biggest challenges for grieving children is feeling that their grief isn’t taken seriously. 

“We’ve supported young people who feel their grief is dismissed,” Clair says. “That can lead to bottling up emotions, feeling isolated, or struggling with anger and confusion. It’s important that we don’t judge grief – everyone’s experience is different, and every loss matters.” 

For Jess, the assumption that she should ‘cope better’ because her grandmother was older delayed her from accessing support. 

“I worried I’d sound pathetic, like my grief wasn’t valid. I was scared to admit who I was grieving for in case people didn’t take it seriously. But grief isn’t just about who someone was on paper – it’s about who they were to us in our hearts and in our lives.” 

So how can we better support young people who are grieving the death of a grandparent? Clair suggests: 

• Listening without judgement – Let them talk about their grandparent and how they’re feeling. 
• Being open and honest – Use clear language like ‘died’ instead of euphemisms like ‘gone to sleep’. 
• Encouraging remembrance – Keeping a special item, writing a letter, or sharing stories can help. 
• Recognising that grief lasts – Just because time has passed doesn’t mean the grief is gone. 

Help from Ashgate Hospice  

Ashgate’s Children and Young People’s Service provides support for children up to the age of 18 who are grieving a loved one, including grandparents. 

“We offer one-to-one sessions at the hospice or in schools, family support groups, and teenage peer support groups,” says Clair. “We also provide books and memory-making activities to help children express their grief in a way that makes sense to them.” 

If you think a child or young person in your life needs support, you can refer them to Ashgate’s service via our website or by calling 01246 568 801. 

A final message to those who are grieving 

“When a grandparent dies, it’s normal to feel sad, lost, or even angry,” Clair says. “You don’t have to be strong or pretend to be okay. Remember, all your feelings are valid.” 

And Jess has one last hope: 

“I just want people to understand that grief is grief. It isn’t easier just because someone was older. If you’ve lost someone, no matter who they were to you, your pain is real – and you deserve to be supported through it.”